Why even say that?

Today the words ‘disgustingly obese’ were used to describe most babies to try and console a mother who’s child is small (the mother’s words, not mine) for their age. I was so sad to see this. It works both ways, if you don’t want comments on how small your child is, don’t allow comments on how large another is. Babies are babies. There is no ‘perfect’ size. What matters is healthy and alive.

As long as your pedi doesn’t see anything wrong with your child, they are fine. Period. It just really rubbed me the wrong way. I constantly get comments on how fat Dex is and how he looks like he should be over 1. This convo took a wrong turn with mothers of smaller children unintentionally starting to bash those that have larger children. It just felt hypocritical to me.

Sorry for the rant.

In other news, sorry no 9 month update yet! Oct is crazy busy for me. Between all the PAIL activities with the charity, Dex’s Dedication into the church, and remodeling… ugg. No time! 🙂

Citrus Lane!

I’ve been ordering the monthly subscription box from Citrus Lane for Dex. He LOVES it. I’m not always thrilled with it, but he loves it! If anyone wants to try it, Use https://www.citruslane.com/invitedby/Krystal.Roark.4917532 and get 50% off your first box!!!

Don’t like it? Cancel before the next month! That’s almost $50 worth of toys for around $10 and free shipping!! AND if you go to cancel, they will offer the. Box for $15 a month. You can then try and cancel again at the end of that subscription and get it for $15 a month again. It is soooo worth $15.

Now, I wouldn’t do it for the normal subscription price, but for that price I will!!

Bathroom Confessional

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m sitting here in the bathroom at work, on my lunch break, about to bare my inner thoughts. No, I’m not doing that! I’m here because I know it is safe, and I can cry if I need to. In fact, I cry in here a lot.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve always wanted 3-5 children, but that was before I knew about my issues with infertility. I guess, I have 3, but when I thought that, the idea of having children that were not living never crossed my mind.

I have a unique problem. I have to choose when, and if I want to get pregnant again. I can’t have that lovely surprise. My problem?

Dex is perfect. He is perfect in every way. He goes to bed at 9 and sleeps all night 90% of the time, and he has been good about that since about 8-9 weeks old. Sometimes he would need a bottle in the middle of the night, but would go right back to sleep.

Even being a happy, pretty perfect kid though, those first 8 weeks were hell. Lol. And now, he will happily play as long a I am near him, and I can’t place him in a playpen or he cries. He is snugly and wants love (which I love too!). So why is this a problem?

Dex is too good. If I had any more, they would more than likely be the opposite! Dex, being a wonderful and happy boy, is a LOT of work and is hard to take care of. How could I handle two at once, or even a not so perfectly behaved child??

I have two embryos on ice. I have to make a decision on when and if I am going to go through the hell and stress of another pregnancy. I feel a strong moral obligation to my two babies to give them a chance. After the girls, I said I would give them all a chance.

But, if it doesn’t work, James and I have decided we are done. No more fresh cycles because what if we end up with 12 eggs or something??? Withy moral obligation, that would be insane.

What if we implant the two and both take? I want twins again so badly, but after taking care of Dex I don’t think I could do it all alone (remember, I have no family or close friends nearby). It all makes me sick at my stomach.

Why can’t fate just decided for me? No, I have to pick a date. I know I shouldn’t bitch about this, but pregnancy is so stressful for me. I am in constant fear. Fear that haunts me at night. Fear that seeps in and lasts beyond pregnant and into birth.

Dex is 8 months old and still wears a snuza to bed nightly. That kind of fear. Someone has to ride in back with him (when possible) in the car to periodically check and make sure he is still breathing kind of fear.

I’m so lost. James wants to talk about it, and I don’t. When? How many? What if? It all feels like too much sometimes.

What age is the best age to try again? What age should Dex be? Can I take care of another little one while pregnant? Way if I need bed rest?

Questions keep swirling, but no answers are coming in.

Forgive me while I whip my breast out…

Start online firestorm in 3….2…1

I have to admit I am really getting sick of seeing all the breastfeeding photos in my news feed. I want it to be promoted, and if you can/and are willing you should, but that doesn’t mean I want to see other women’s breast shoved into my news feed. I breastfed Dex as long as I was able, but I always chose to exhibit modesty. *And for those about to go on a huff about clothing ads, fashion industry etc, I don’t care to see that either.

Breast feeding is natural, but that doesn’t mean I want to see someone else do it. It was a beautiful thing to see with Dex, but I don’t want to see everyone else doing it (and by this I mean physically see it). And for those who say look away, that is fine, but sometimes it is forced on you (as with news feeds). Being naked is natural, sex is natural, lots of things are natural, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be discrete about it.

I am all for getting the word out, and helping spread awareness to breast feed. I just think there are better way to do it. Don’t shame a mother for breastfeeding in public (I think they should be able to do that. A baby gets hungry when they are hungry, no way to time that), but try and be modest about it. It is a very special moment with your child, some moments lose that when thrown into the public eye.

For those who disagree that is fine, I just don’t want to be forced to see it all the time when I am scrolling through my news feed.

Amazon

If you don’t already, subscribe to amazon mom! You don’t have to just use this on baby stuff either. It comes with a prime membership (free 2 day shipping!!) I have all of my son’s diapers, wipes, formula, my vitamins, my husband’s vitamins, my OTC meds and more shipped right to our door at discounted prices (yes I have taken into consideration the price of the membership) plus it comes with Amazon streaming. I LOVE this so much. If you use my link, I get rewards too!

You can have cat litter, food, beverages, you name it shipped to you. I cannot stress how much I love this service! Plus with all of the surveys I do, I get Amazon credits and a lot of it ends up free each month!

Subscribe here

8 weeks

That’s it. That’s all she wrote. I’m back to work full time starting tomorrow. Monday Dex will be handed off to strangers not knowing why mommy is abandoning him. I’ve only ever been away from him for 2 hours and in that time he feel asleep in Daddy’s arms so he had no clue I was gone. I’m going to be a wreck tomorrow and Monday.

While I am looking forward to feeling a little more ‘human’ by going back to work, I can’t help but think of all the things I am going to miss. Will Dex think he did something wrong for mommy to leave him? Will the daycare just put him in a crib all day with no intelligent stimulation? Will they keep a close eye on his breathing like I do? Will they ever even hold him? 8 infants under 3 months with only two women, there is no way he is going to get the love and attention he needs and deserves.

I’m a mess with all the questions. Will they use the Snuza? What if Dex dies of SIDS and I’m not there to stop it? Will they change his diaper as often as I do? Will Dex forget me? Will he even care I’m gone? Will he have abandonment issues? God I am a mess. 😦

Our last day together of just us lounging while Daddy is at work. I’m going to miss even the smell of his skin. His soft breaths against my chest. …and I’m crying…

I had to capture these moments to look at while at work….which will inevitably cue more tears. Tomorrow is going to be hell. At least the tears streaming down my face Feb 2014 going back to work after leave will be for a different reason than the tears streaking my face after returning to work from leave in Feb 2013….

2 AM

Not exactly the face you want to see on a 6 week old baby at 2 AM. I placed Dex is his crib and he has been cranky whining and cooing, and flailing his arms wildly followed by loud noises of discontent and fake coughs for about 30 minutes now. Looks like a long night for mom! Ha!

All things baby

This is a review of the baby things I have bought for Dexter. These are just *MY* opinions based on the likes and dislikes of my little guy and the easy of use.

MamaRoo: This was a great buy. We bought it brand new in the box for $165. We have used it twice. Dexter does not even notice it or seem to care for it. I think this is something he would like a lot better when he is older, right now the movements are just up and down and he likes more of a rocking/swinging action. I do love that you can choose from many different natural and different sounds or plug in your ipod/MP3 player to its speakers. It has multiple speeds and movements. It looks amazing. I wish they had one for adults 🙂

Bright Starts Jungle Tales (Gym): I love the colors and different parts to this one. The elephant that is supposed to play nose them you pull on the soft plastic ring hasn’t worked from day one. With a 5 week old, it is WAY too much hassle to take back, plus hubby threw away the box. Dexter loves to look at the designs and colors. It has a nice little banana shaped pillow for tummy time. He likes to look at the various parts, but I really think he will love it when he learns to coordinate his hands to pull and play with things.

Baby Trends EZ Lock Carseat & Stroller: It was a good price and a nice set. The one thing I wish that was different it the car seat carrying handle. It is very awkward. I have seen ones that have a small part in the middle turned for a more ergonomic hold. In the future, I will go for one of these. I do love that you can buy just a car base on Amazon though so that you can use the same carseat in multiple cars.

AngleCare Monitor – LOVE THIS! We have had no false alarms, and it helps give me better piece of mind to sleep at night. I love that it also has a sound monitor with it so that you can leave the room for a few minutes. The monitor has a constant ‘tick’ as well so that you know it is working!! Also, the battery life on the parent carry along unit is AMAZING!

Snuza Hero – I like this, but we have had a few issues. No false alarms has gone off, but with Dex sometimes he sucks his tummy in and the Snuza doesn’t make contact with his belly for a few seconds, or if he is in a position that leaves a gap in the front of his diaper (ie his diaper is loose) then it gives the yellow warning light on the front of the Snuza saying there was a period of no breathing, but not long enough to alarm. Also, you can’t use it in the car seat or swing etc like I once thought. Anything that could create a movement in his stomach could be confused as breathing. 😦

Infant Optics DXR-5 Video Baby Monitor – We have no used this yet, but we have tested it out. It has video and night vision. From what I have tested, we liked it.

Taggies Vibrating/musical Bouncer – Dex really likes the vibrations of this. Mom does not like that it sits up so much. It places his chin on his chest. This is dangerous for newborns because it can cause positional asphyxiation. I don’t let him use it for very long. Once he can hold his head up on his own, I will let him use it more.

Bottles:

– Dr. Brown’s: These are the ones that we use the most. Both hubby and I love them. The only drawback is that they are a pain in the ass to clean.

– Playtex Airvent: I like them, hubby does not. Downside is that they seem to leak in our steam bottle heater out of the bottom air vents.

– Walmart bottles: HATE them. One cracked after 2 uses, and they leaked. We threw them out.

– Avent: Neither hubby or I like them. They are very fat so they do not fit in the bottle warmer. Because they are fat, you can’t interchange caps and nipples with other brands (unless they too are the wide mouth). It comes with a little ring you place on the inside. If you forget the ring the milk leaks out horribly.

First Years Bottle Warmer- We have a steam heater one. LOVE IT. So much nicer than holding the bottle under hot water forever.

Swaddlers

– Halo Swaddle Sleep Sacks: We love our Halo one. It is fleece and in our cold home, it provides a warm snuggly place for Dex to sleep at night. Down side, they are expensive. Another downside is that these give a ‘rug burn’ to Dex’s knuckles when he tries moving his hands around inside of them while swaddled.

– SwaddleMe Swaddle Sleep Sacks: They run small, and are a bit cheap with the material. They are thin, which are good for warmer times. They hold the legs tighter, which Dex HATES, but it keeps him from kicking so bad. The jury is out on these.

– Muslin (multiple brands) Swaddle Blankets: LOVE LOVE LOVE. They are a wonderful multiuse piece of cloth. Dex loves them because he can still move his arms in them because they aren’t a tight swaddle, but not enough that the ‘arms flail widely’ sleep reflex wakes him up. He can also move his hands around without the ‘rug burn’ that the Halo brand gives. They can be a blanket, swaddler, nursing cover, car seat cover, and many other things!

Boppy brand nursing pillow: Great for baby, bad for plus sized Moms. This is WAY to small to fit around my waist to hold the baby. It pops out from around my waist all the time. We mainly use it for tummy time now.

Carseat Canopy: We bought the one from http://www.carseatcanopy.com and LOVE it. Do a quick google search and you can come up with a discount code for a free one, you just pay something like $12.95 for shipping and handling. VERY WORTH IT! Nice material and it fits the car seat nicely.

Infantino Carrier: I like it, I don’t love it. Again, I think Dex is a little too small for it (age wise, not size wise). This is more for a baby who can hold his/her own head.

Pacifiers

-Dr. Brown’s: Dexter likes these for a little while then spits them out.

-Avent: These are Dexter’s favorite, they just have a wide flat nipple with no upward curve

– Gumdrop: He HATES these. They are just a long, thin nipple with a bit of a ball at the end. He does love the apple juice flavored Gumdrop wipes though 🙂

On order:

Moby Wrap

Baby sling from sevenslings.com (also only pay S&H)

Nursingpillow from nuringpillow.com (also only pay S&H)

I will update as I buy/get more or think of more things we have 🙂

Don’t touch my baby!

When is it ok to touch someone’s infant without asking???!?? It’s not, that’s when!

I was changing Dexter in at Target and some lady just walked over and pinched his cheeks and rubbed his head!! I freaked out! It would have been so much worse if I hadn’t watched her just wash her hands first after getting out of the stall. This is major cold and flu season!

Don’t touch my child without asking. Maybe I’m just so paranoid after having two children die, but don’t mess with this mom!

A smile, but not for Momma

Tonight I got Dex to intentionally smile several times, and it made me cry. The first smile took me by surprise and was accompanied with a coo. I got him to repeat the smile several times by doing the same thing…..

Tonight, while Daddy slept, Mommy told Dexter the story of his big sisters. When I first got to the part where I said, “Willow & Hazel,” he smiled really big and cooed. It took me by surprise and I thought it was a coincidence. Then I went on with the story, and again when I said, “Willow & Hazel,” he did it again. So I tried again, and again he did the same thing. I began to bawl my eyes out. He wrinkled his forehead and gave me a look of, “What?”

When I was done crying, I tried one last time, gain, he smiled. It made my heart ache and made my soul smile too. I continued and told him the whole story, and how they were there with his Papaw. How mommy missed them and how proud they would be of him. It was all so emotional. I never thought I would ever have to tell one of my children the story of their siblings that passed away, but Dex will know them.

When asked in school if he has any siblings, he will say yes, two older twin sisters. I already fight James with this. When people ask him if Dex is our first, he usually says yes. I don’t correct him, but I walk away from him mad. So now, I usually take over before he can say anything and say something like, “Our first living.”